After that day, I did not speak to B. for a few days. I surrounded myself with family and tried to push bad thoughts out of my mind. I did tell him that I was not going to leave, I wanted to work it out. I did not speak to him, and when I did I was terse and snappy. I insulted him openly and attacked him with words (the only way I know how to attack a person). A couple days right after I found him fornicating with my friend was Chinese New Year. I must say, it was extremely lucky (or unluckly, depending on how you look at it) that he cheated on me so soon before the Chinese New Year. I had my doubts about staying with him, but Chinese New Year is a time for a clean start, to sweep out the bad and bring in the good. It was also supposed to be a good year (year of the Monkey). Chinese New Year is also a time for forgiveness, that is a major thing about Chinese New Year, to let go of grudges. I am not very traditional, I was born in U.S. and despite my heritage I grew up as a proud American with a streak of Chinese authenticity. If not for that holiday, I don't know if I would still be here. Funny how things work out.
I spoke to him on the computer through AOL Instant Messenger. I was still attacking him, and he yelled at me. He asked me, "Do you want us to work out or not?!". I said yes I do. And he said, "then why are you doing this?! All this is counter-productive. Sure, you can insult me, call me names, you don't think I know you hate me already?! But this isn't getting us anywhere. You don't call and you don't speak when I call you, it doesn't look like you want us to work out!" I did not say anything, I knew he was right, I was boiling in anger and did not want to admit. I said I had to go, said good bye, and signed off.
After that, I finally called him after a few days of avoiding him completely. He wrote me an email expressing how sorry he was, how he understood if I don't want to see him, how he would wait until I wanted to see him again, how he is sorry for always yelling at me, how he is just so sorry for everything and he knows sorry does not suffice but he does not know what else to say. I cried when I read his email.
When I called him he was with his friend at his parents' place having dinner. I said sorry for interrupting and started to hang up, but he immediately told me I was not interrupting, he sounded genuinely glad I finally called him. He asked me what was up, and I said I wanted to get a book at Barnes and Noble, Did he want to come with me to get it? He said he would, he would call me back after he ate dinner.
I waited for his call. Waited and waited, he did not call after an hour. B. does not take very long to eat, so I called him first. I was pissed off, by now Barnes and Nobles would be closed by the time we got there. He apologized and said he was taking his time eating. He said, "I'm sorry, I guess I won't see you now.." He sounded disappointed. When B. is honestly hurt and disappointed it really hurts me. Some people say I'm too much of a softie. In movies, I often feel bad for the villain because in the end he lost and that must really suck for the villain. I felt horrible, so I asked B. if he wanted to go and get a bite to eat. He said he just ate, but he'll go anyway. He asked me where I wanted to go, and luckily I was in the mood for French Toast at this cafe near his parents' house.
I met him at the train station, I did not say hello. I stopped while I waited for him to wipe his glasses, and then continued walking and he followed. We did not speak. At the cafe we sat and I attempted to start a conversation. He did not have much to say. After I finished eating, we walked to his parents' place. He said they had a red envelope to give me for the Chinese New Year that just passed. We walked to his parents' place, it was a freezing night. The wind was sharp and my cheeks felt like they were being cut with razors.
His parents gave me the red envelopes and we stuck around for a while in his old room. I looked at the books on the shelf while he looked over his mail. We sat around reading funny stories from this book for bathroom reading with humorous stories. It did not actually feel normal, but hell, I can fake it.
He said it was getting late, he should take me home. I wanted something to happen that night. He said he had this good DVD at his place, and I said I wanted to watch it. So we agreed that I would go over and watch it. At the train station, I put my head on his shoulder and he did not move. He seemed to freeze. Later on, when I asked him why he didn't hug me, or do something, he said he was afraid, he didn't know what he was supposed to do, so he just stood there.
We arrived at his place and while I watched the movie he did the laundry. I told him that I wanted everything washed. The sheets, the blanket, everything. He took down the sheets, the blanket, the pillow cases, the blanket cover, and he lugged it all to the Laundromat and did the laundry. I felt amazed, I didn't think he would do it. B. has a major stubborn streak (as do I), he does things his way and wiggles out of doing things another person's way like a weasel. He's hard headed but ambitious when he really gets to something he wants to do. That night, he even folded the laundry (he never folds the laundry).
He changed the sheets to the olive green ones that I like. He put away the blue sheets that was on the bed when he slept with Pam. We haven't used those sheets since and I hope we will never use it again.
That night, I showered with him. I had hardly spoken a word to him the past few days, haven't held his hand, did not even want to be near him at all, did not want to touch him at all. I showered with him and he kept his distance. He was being cautious, washed me and I stood there using his shoulder for balance. When he leaned over me to put the soap back in the soap dish, I kissed him, and he kissed back. He held me fiercely, and whispered thank you.
I spoke to him on the computer through AOL Instant Messenger. I was still attacking him, and he yelled at me. He asked me, "Do you want us to work out or not?!". I said yes I do. And he said, "then why are you doing this?! All this is counter-productive. Sure, you can insult me, call me names, you don't think I know you hate me already?! But this isn't getting us anywhere. You don't call and you don't speak when I call you, it doesn't look like you want us to work out!" I did not say anything, I knew he was right, I was boiling in anger and did not want to admit. I said I had to go, said good bye, and signed off.
After that, I finally called him after a few days of avoiding him completely. He wrote me an email expressing how sorry he was, how he understood if I don't want to see him, how he would wait until I wanted to see him again, how he is sorry for always yelling at me, how he is just so sorry for everything and he knows sorry does not suffice but he does not know what else to say. I cried when I read his email.
When I called him he was with his friend at his parents' place having dinner. I said sorry for interrupting and started to hang up, but he immediately told me I was not interrupting, he sounded genuinely glad I finally called him. He asked me what was up, and I said I wanted to get a book at Barnes and Noble, Did he want to come with me to get it? He said he would, he would call me back after he ate dinner.
I waited for his call. Waited and waited, he did not call after an hour. B. does not take very long to eat, so I called him first. I was pissed off, by now Barnes and Nobles would be closed by the time we got there. He apologized and said he was taking his time eating. He said, "I'm sorry, I guess I won't see you now.." He sounded disappointed. When B. is honestly hurt and disappointed it really hurts me. Some people say I'm too much of a softie. In movies, I often feel bad for the villain because in the end he lost and that must really suck for the villain. I felt horrible, so I asked B. if he wanted to go and get a bite to eat. He said he just ate, but he'll go anyway. He asked me where I wanted to go, and luckily I was in the mood for French Toast at this cafe near his parents' house.
I met him at the train station, I did not say hello. I stopped while I waited for him to wipe his glasses, and then continued walking and he followed. We did not speak. At the cafe we sat and I attempted to start a conversation. He did not have much to say. After I finished eating, we walked to his parents' place. He said they had a red envelope to give me for the Chinese New Year that just passed. We walked to his parents' place, it was a freezing night. The wind was sharp and my cheeks felt like they were being cut with razors.
His parents gave me the red envelopes and we stuck around for a while in his old room. I looked at the books on the shelf while he looked over his mail. We sat around reading funny stories from this book for bathroom reading with humorous stories. It did not actually feel normal, but hell, I can fake it.
He said it was getting late, he should take me home. I wanted something to happen that night. He said he had this good DVD at his place, and I said I wanted to watch it. So we agreed that I would go over and watch it. At the train station, I put my head on his shoulder and he did not move. He seemed to freeze. Later on, when I asked him why he didn't hug me, or do something, he said he was afraid, he didn't know what he was supposed to do, so he just stood there.
We arrived at his place and while I watched the movie he did the laundry. I told him that I wanted everything washed. The sheets, the blanket, everything. He took down the sheets, the blanket, the pillow cases, the blanket cover, and he lugged it all to the Laundromat and did the laundry. I felt amazed, I didn't think he would do it. B. has a major stubborn streak (as do I), he does things his way and wiggles out of doing things another person's way like a weasel. He's hard headed but ambitious when he really gets to something he wants to do. That night, he even folded the laundry (he never folds the laundry).
He changed the sheets to the olive green ones that I like. He put away the blue sheets that was on the bed when he slept with Pam. We haven't used those sheets since and I hope we will never use it again.
That night, I showered with him. I had hardly spoken a word to him the past few days, haven't held his hand, did not even want to be near him at all, did not want to touch him at all. I showered with him and he kept his distance. He was being cautious, washed me and I stood there using his shoulder for balance. When he leaned over me to put the soap back in the soap dish, I kissed him, and he kissed back. He held me fiercely, and whispered thank you.
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